Welcome to Bedside Manners with Ega, a weekly feature in which I’ll attempt to answer all of your– and my– sexual etiquette dilemmas. Sex is confusing. There’s an ever shifting code of etiquette and ethics at play, and making sense of it all can be overwhelming. Bedside Manners aims to make sex a little less messy for all of us.
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Alright, kids. Let’s talk about sexual safety hiccups and the awkwardness (and sheer terror) that can come along with them. Specifically, let’s talk about what to do when you find yourself with a broken condom on your hands.
At first glance, sexual safety seems pretty straightforward. As in: You should do it. You and your partner should agree on a method of protection before you approach the exchange of fluids, and you should stick with it. For me, this means using condoms, unless you’re exclusively dating and you’ve both been tested and given a clean bill of health. For you, it might mean something different.
So, it should be completely straightforward– but it rarely is. Nothing speaks more to the dicey, confusing nature of sexual safety than a broken condom. The way someone responds to this horrifying (and shockingly commonplace) event says a lot about him or her as a person and a sexual partner. I’ve seen a variety of responses to this situation: the guy who picked up and paid for Plan B– and insisted that we both get tested and report back, the guy who tried to pretend it didn’t happen and sneak out before I noticed, and the guy who said, “Okay, so, you’ll handle this, right?”
In man-on-woman sexual encounters, it’s often assumed that the woman should handle any snafus with protection– after all, we’re the ones who could potentially get pregnant. I am here to say: That is complete and utter sexist bullshit! Condom breakage and other safety mishaps affect all partners equally– and should be dealt with by all partners as a team. It’s the right thing to do– and it’s way less scary when you’re in it together.
Being able to gracefully handle a terrifying situation like a broken condom is part of being amazing in bed– and part of being a person of integrity. Knowing that, you should have a tried and true approach in the back of your mind for this type of accident so that you won’t behave regrettably due to nerves or panic.
Here’s my ideal response to a broken condom:
Both partners disclose the last time they’ve been tested and any infections or diseases they may be carrying (This is much easier said than done, but I truly believe that it is important.)
Both partners agree to be tested and report back with results
In the case of man-on-woman sex, emergency contraception is purchased, and the absurd cost is split between both parties.
Now, in the case of one-night stands and other casual sex situations, this might feel like a lot of information and responsibility to share. Unfortunately, my only advice here is to suck it up. You are an adult. You have made the decision to sleep with another person, knowing full well that this could happen. So, handle yourself like an adult. Take responsibility and act with integrity. Clean up your mess. You’ll feel better when you do.
As an aside, if your partner ever tries to weasel out of your agreed-upon sexual safety plan, you have every right to stop the sexual activity and refuse to see that person again. Sexual safety is a matter of respecting oneself and respecting one’s partner. It’s up to you to reinforce your boundaries and make it clear that you take this seriously. Take care of yourselves, darlings. Part of taking care of yourself in sexual situations is ensuring that you’re comfortable with the other person– or people– involved. If you find that you’re not, shut it down.
All of this is much, much easier said than done, but I have complete and utter faith in you to be an accountable partner and to handle yourself with grace and dignity. That’s what it’s all about, right? Taking care of yourself and being a person you can feel proud of. I’m rooting for you.
Welcome to Bedside Manners with Ega, a weekly feature in which I’ll attempt to answer all of your– and my– sexual etiquette dilemmas. Sex is confusing. There’s an ever shifting code of etiquette and ethics at play, and making sense of it all can be overwhelming. Bedside Manners aims to make sex a little less messy for all of us.
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Listen up, friends and lovers: Don’t drink and bang. Just don’t. I say this not out of judgment, but because I care about you.
I could tell you story after story about how intoxicated banging has ruined my life, but you would be horrified and never return to this blog again. I could tell you about how I’ve barfed during the act, lost condoms in unlikely and traumatizing places, almost had a threesome with my neighbors, fallen asleep mid-bang, and millions of other horrific tales. I’ll spare you the excruciating details of these stories, but the message rings loud and clear: Drinking and banging do not mix well.
For an entire year after my first sexual experience, I only had sex when I was drinking. This was due to a combination of things: insecurity about my inexperience, needing the confidence and charm that a few cocktails bring, and being completely terrified of being so close to another human being.
The first time I had sober sex, it was a bit of a revelation. Suddenly, I felt what it was like to live fully in a moment with another person. Don’t get me wrong– I think a few cocktails can be a delightful precursor to an evening of fooling around. Tipsy sex is a different thing, entirely! My general rule of thumb is that if you’re too drunk to drive, you are too drunk to bang.
The first reason I think drinking and doing it should be avoided is that it takes you out of your body and the moment. One of the best ways to get the very most out of your sexual experiences is to be fully present. Drinking allows you to escape and avoid the feelings involved in being so close to another person. You get to ignore emotions and sensations that you’re uncomfortable with, instead of addressing them. You get to distance yourself from the act. Creating this distance has its appeal, but the best sex happens when you refuse to let anything take you away from what’s going on between you and your partner.
People also tend to drink and bang to escape their problems. Using sex and booze as a distraction is a mistake– and one that almost always ends up backfiring. Recently, in an attempt to make myself feel better about the fact that I desperately want to date someone I can’t date right now, I banged someone I shouldn’t have banged. I did it because I thought it would make me feel better. I did it because I wanted to prove I wasn’t hopelessly hung up. Mostly, I did it because I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was not a good idea. Not only did I use someone else’s body to try to work out my problems, which is never okay, but my feelings– obviously– didn’t go anywhere. Now, I just get to add “guilty” to the list.
Being drunk also makes us all absolutely terrible at sex, which is another reas0n it should be avoided. Remember all of that stuff I said about how being amazing in bed is deeply connected to being attuned to your partner’s needs and desires? It’s impossible to do that if you’re completely wasted. You will end up being sloppy, needy, and inattentive– and worst of all, a total bore. I want us all to be good to each other, in and out of the bedroom. Keeping drinking out of your sex life is a step towards that.
Have I convinced you yet? Trust me: I wouldn’t say this if I hadn’t made all of the mistakes a person can make in this arena. However, I will throw you naysayers a little bone (pun intended): Drinking and making out are absolutely perfectly paired. So, go have a cocktail and kiss a stranger! Just keep your clothes on.
Welcome to Bedside Manners with Ega, a weekly feature in which I’ll attempt to answer all of your– and my– sexual etiquette dilemmas. Sex is confusing. There’s an ever shifting code of etiquette and ethics at play, and making sense of it all can be overwhelming. Bedside Manners aims to make sex a little less messy for all of us.
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There are all sorts of theories out there about how you should respond when someone asks how many people you’ve slept with.
I know plenty of women who say that they’ll never admit to having gone over 10 partners, even if 10 is a distant memory. A male coworker of mine said that men should stick to the “7/11 Rule”– if your number is fewer than 7, say 7, and if it’s more than 11, say 11. I have a friend who thinks that 6 is the perfect number. Even though she has long since surpassed it, she continues to tell any potential boyfriends that she has slept with exactly 6 people.
There is so much fear out there, for men and women alike, that we’re not being sexual in the right way. We’re worried that we’re too promiscuous, or that we’re not experienced enough. We’re worried that people will think we’re dirty– or that we’re too pure. We are all so afraid of not fitting into the rigid rules we’ve learned about sexuality and the right way to do it.
I am staunchly in favor of banishing all of these silly rules and simply telling the truth about our sexual histories. Sexuality isn’t something to be ashamed about, whether you’ve slept with a million people or zero. Our number of past partners is a part of us– one that we shouldn’t feel compelled to lie about. I’m also hard pressed to believe that your number of sexual partners really matters, at the end of the day. Will someone like me less because I’ve been more or less promiscuous than he thinks I should have been? I doubt it. And if he does, he’s not someone I want to be dating.
Whether I like it or not, the number of sexual partners you’ve had tends to say something to other people. A friend of mine told me that his boyfriend had 100+ sexual partners before meeting him. All of my sex positive beliefs momentarily flew away as my jaw dropped and I yelped, “THAT’S SO MANY!” Recently, I met someone who has only slept with one person. I couldn’t help but begin to panic about what that meant about his beliefs about sexuality and relationships– and what he would think about my number.
As much as I truly believe that your number of sexual partners doesn’t have to say anything about you as a person (unless you say it does), people will take that information and make assumptions about you. The good thing is that the people worth knowing will be able to look past that number and see what it means and doesn’t mean about you– and love you even more for it.
That’s the thing: Numbers don’t mean anything unless you have some context for them. Ask anyone who works with numbers and data on a daily basis. Numbers alone mean nothing. You have to find the story behind them. Your number of partners relates to so many things: your beliefs about love and sex, your beliefs about yourself, your past relationships, your history with STDs, your feelings of self worth, your desires, your coping mechanisms, your impulsiveness, your way of connecting with people, and much more. There is something to learn about you by asking about your sexual history, but nothing can be learned based on your number alone.
So, what should you say when someone asks you how many people you’ve slept with? In my mind, you have two choices. The first is to politely decline to answer the question. It’s intrusive and personal, and you have every right not to share that bit of information with others. If you refuse to answer in a coy, sassy way, people will respect your boundaries.
The other option you have is to tell the truth. Lying will get you absolutely nowhere. If we all walk around lying about our sexual histories, what we’re really doing is creating an aura of sexual shame– and no one wants that. So, give your number truthfully. Talk a little bit about what it means in the context of your life, if you want to– or don’t! You can make it as meaningful or meaningless as you want. After all, it’s your past.
Being honest about our sexual histories is the only way for us to stop being afraid that we’re not doing things the right way. There is no right way when it comes to being sexual– everyone is sexual in the way that works best for them. The only way to push back against the limited, judgmental understandings of sexuality that make us all panicked that we’re too slutty or not slutty enough is to tell the truth about our experiences.
Think carefully before you ask someone else for their number. The focus on numbers reduces someone’s sexual history to something small and meaningless. If you really want to know about someone’s sexual past and think it’s appropriate to ask, don’t ask for a number. Ask them to tell you more about their sexual experiences and beliefs. You’ll get a much more interesting, telling response– and one that won’t lead either of you to panic and misrepresent yourselves.
Welcome to Bedside Manners with Ega, a weekly feature in which I’ll attempt to answer all of your– and my– sexual etiquette dilemmas. Sex is confusing. There’s an ever shifting code of etiquette and ethics at play, and making sense of it all can be completely overwhelming. Bedside Manners aims to make sex a little less messy for all of us.
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Today, we’re going to get to the heart of one of the most pervasive sexual etiquette quandaries out there– the dilemma of whether or not to stay the night.
We’ve all been there: The panicked roll over after a romp in someone else’s bed; the silent, frantic wondering whether we’ve overstayed our welcome; the anxious assessment of the location of our clothes on the floor and how long it would take to throw them on and bolt. Is it rude to leave shortly after sex? Or is it ruder to spend the night with someone who may not necessarily want you hogging all of the covers?
I never sleep over unless I’m in a relationship. I like to maintain an aura of mystery– and I also don’t sleep well in foreign beds with foreign people all up in my grill. I indulge in an acceptable amount of pillow talk and promptly go on my merry way. I’ve had very few complaints, and as dumb as it is, I think disappearing makes me a little bit more intriguing to the men in question. Besides, I have terrible morning breath.
I also find that sleeping over can create intimacy that may not be appropriate, given the length of time I’ve known someone or the nature of our relationship (or lack thereof). When I sleep over in someone’s bed, I tend to wake up with feelings for him. It’s just something that happens to me. One night of shared covers and I’m hopelessly devoted. So, it’s ill advised for me to sleep over unless I’m truly interested in the person in question– and comfortable with the emotional implications of waking up next to him.
I also absolutely loathe for anyone to sleep over in my bed unless we’re pretty seriously dating. First of all, I don’t know you. I don’t need you encroaching on my turf. Not only that, but unless I’m practically in a relationship with you, I don’t want to have to introduce you to my roommates in the morning. Ugh. I’ve had to actually kick someone out of my apartment after a one-night stand– at 3 p.m. the next day. I didn’t like it one bit. This is why I generally don’t like to invite people over to my place; there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to get rid of them.
Take all of this with a grain of salt– I may just be a lunatic who has severe intimacy issues (this is actually quite likely). I have plenty of friends who frequently sleep over after one-night stands and enjoy it. We all have to do what suits us, and what makes us feel comfortable, excited, and content.
In the interest of creating a fun, respectful sexual experience for everyone involved, let’s look at some specific rules for determining whether or not you should stay the night.
In the case of a one-night stand, my gut instinct is that you should absolutely never spend the night, unless your host explicitly (and sincerely) requests it. The assumption going into a one-night stand is that you’re both in it for the sex– and nothing more. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way, and one-night stands can lead to all sort of amazing stuff, but generally speaking I think it’s a good idea to assume that your exit should come pretty soon after you do. (See what I did there?)
To avoid being rude, I’d say that you should stay for at least 15 minutes after the act (long enough to have some flirty pillow talk) and no more than 1 hour. If there’s an extenuating circumstance like the subways aren’t running or you’ve drunk too much and can’t drive home, the best approach is to have a direct conversation about it. Asking, “Is it okay if I sleep over?” is much, much more polite than just passing out, spread eagle, in the middle of your partner’s bed.
If you’re in the murky territory of non-exclusively dating someone, things become a little more complicated. It’s completely appropriate, and maybe even necessary, to have a conversation about sleeping over and where you and your partner stand on the issue. Being open, honest, and direct is always the best way to ensure that no one feels uncomfortable or gets hurt. At this point, it’s an issue of communication rather than etiquette.
The basic rule here is to be considerate of your partner– whether it’s someone you’ve been dating for a long time or someone you met an hour ago. Pay attention to the signals your partner is sending and try to make him/her feel comfortable by respecting them. At the same time, doing what feels right to you and what makes you feel comfortable is of the utmost importance. Balancing these sometimes conflicting factors is the challenge of any sexual interaction.
In general, I think it’s good to make yourself scarce, especially in the very beginning of sleeping with someone. Creating an aura of mystery makes people more curious about you and more eager to have you around. You’re all completely fabulous, fascinating creatures– don’t undersell yourself by overstaying your welcome.
And now, I’m going to leave you with a little Mariah Carey to groove to as you mull over this conundrum.
Welcome to Bedside Manners with Ega, a weekly feature in which I’ll attempt to answer all of your– and my– sexual etiquette dilemmas. Sex is confusing. There’s an ever shifting code of etiquette and ethics at play, and making sense of it all can be completely overwhelming. Bedside Manners aims to make sex a little less messy for all of us.
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A little slap here and there can really liven up a romp in the sack. Of course, depending on when, where, and how the slap happens, things can get dicey. Luckily, I’m here with some hard and fast rules to keep sex slaps polite, consensual, and fun for everyone.
If I’m to reveal some of my magician’s tricks, butt slapping (I guess they call it spanking nowadays) is one of my favorite moves– mostly because it’s almost always received with extreme delight. When I find myself bored or wanting to speed the action along, a little slap really kicks things into high gear. It’s a rallying call, if you will, and one that I find to be super effective.
On the other hand, I know someone who was mid- O, when her partner slapped her right across the face. His explanation was, “I thought you’d like it…” She did not. Not one bit.
There’s a fine line between trying to keep things exciting and doing something that could upset and confuse your partner. Add in the fact that slapping can potentially trigger someone with a history of trauma, and you have a sticky situation brewing.
So, how do we figure this one out? My first piece of advice is to have an open, frank conversation about your desires, your partner’s desires, and where slapping falls on that spectrum. For tips on how to have that conversation, look here and here. This is, without a doubt, the best way to gauge what will fly and what won’t so that all parties can have the best experience possible.
Unfortunately, in the case of one-night stands or casual encounters, these conversations usually don’t end up happening, both because there’s rarely time in the race from the bar to the bed to tackle the subject and because it’s uncomfortable to have such a frank talk with a relative stranger. In the heat of the moment, asking “Would you mind if I slapped your butt a little right now?” kind of takes the zing out of it. The slap loses its oomph; an expected slap does not an exciting slap make.
When you find yourself wanting to slap someone (sexily, not angrily, that’s never okay– or mannerly) but unsure of how he/she will react, start small. Think about geography. To me, the butt is the most benign place to plant a slap. Do not start with the face, please. Start with somewhere a little less startling and offensive. If you listen to one thing I say, let it be that.
Think about pressure and force. Start with a light smack and gauge your partner’s reaction to see if you should continue. (Note: if you are the slap-receiver and you don’t like it when you get a light smack from your partner, speak up. Say no. It is your right and your duty to yourself and your partner.) Dirty talk is also a good way to gauge your partner’s feelings about slapping. Throw some slapping references into your dirty talk, see what reaction you get, and go from there.
The moral of the story here is that it is insanely important to be in tune with your partner’s responses during sex. You can only be truly great in bed if you pay attention to your partner’s reactions and adapt your moves accordingly. It’s equally important, if you aim to have the best sexual experience possible, to make your reactions emphatic and clear so that your partner knows explicitly what you like and do not like.
Slapping and being slapped may not be for everyone– and that’s okay. The important thing is to create a space where everyone feels comfortable saying no, saying yes, and saying “While we’re at it, let’s try this!” In that kind of sexual space, slapping can be talked about and experimented with in an exciting, non-offensive way, and everyone can have wonderful, mind-blowing sex. After all, that’s the goal, right?
Welcome to Bedside Manners with Ega, a weekly feature in which I’ll attempt to answer all of your– and my– sexual etiquette dilemmas. Sex is confusing– there’s an ever shifting code of etiquette and ethics at play, and making sense of it all can be completely overwhelming. Bedside Manners aims to make sex a little less messy for all of us.
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One summer, while on break from college and staying with a friend in the city, I sneaked off to have sex with an ex. My friend was living way uptown, and I was supposed to meet her at her apartment after she finished work. Knowing she would disapprove of my sleeping with a man who had been a huge jerk to me, I told her I was having drinks with a friend midtown, crept onto the subway, and rode it into the depths of Brooklyn.
The train ride to Brooklyn took longer than I’d anticipated, and as my ex and I started getting down to business, I realized that my friend would be calling me to meet her on the opposite end of the world at any minute. I anxiously eyed my cell phone, resting on top of my purse on the other end of the room. He caught me looking.
“Uh. Do you mind if I just bring my phone over here…it’s just that I’m meeting someone uptown soon, and I need to know if she calls, ” I nervously stammered, while wandering nakedly over to my phone, grabbing it, and bringing it into bed with us.
He didn’t seem to mind, so we got back to the task at hand.
Things were escalating when I heard a telltale ring coming from beneath the pillow I was using as a chin rest. I looked back at him. “I really have to take this,” I apologized.
I expected some sort of backlash or, at the very least, for him to stop what he was doing. “Go ahead,” he said, and kept on keeping on. I picked up the phone, trying desperately to sound like I was just hanging out, being an upstanding citizen, doing normal, wholesome things. Somehow, I managed to get through the call without any suspicion from my friend or fallout from my ex.
I’ve told this story a few times, and most of the people who hear it are horrified. It doesn’t show me in my best light, I have to admit. In all honesty, if a man answered his phone while I was having sex with him, I’d probably walk out and never speak to him again. Generally speaking, answering a text message, e-mail, or phone call during sex is the height of rudeness and shows utter disregard for one’s partner. When I’m in bed with someone, I want to know that he is fully there with me. There’s nothing like him whipping out his cell phone to completely crush that notion.
All of that being said, I think there is a way to take a call or text message during sex without it being quite so devastatingly rude.
My main rule for answering your phone during sex is that you absolutely must have warned your partner, prior to the sex, that you have an important call coming and you may be interrupted. This conversation should take place while everyone is still clothed, and your warning should be surrounded with preemptive apologies. It’s important to ensure that both you and your partner are both comfortable with the terms of the sexual encounter you’re about to embark on, and that no one will be hurt, disappointed, or just plain freaked out.
I also think it’s important to think about who you’re sleeping with, when you think about whether it’s okay to answer a call during the act. In my case, the person in question was an ex who didn’t care much about me, and we were having a quick rendezvous out of sheer physical desire. The sex we were having had nothing to do with intimacy or closeness, and we both knew it. Neither of us had expectations or hopes for our relationship, so we weren’t at all hurt or thrown off by the interruption of a phone call. On the other hand, I’ve been in situations where I wouldn’t even consider bringing my phone into the bedroom because what my partner and I were sharing was so deep and meaningful. The idea of breaking our connection to answer my phone, in those situations, would have felt like a betrayal.
The level of comfort you have with your partner is also something to consider. If you’re in the beginning stages of sleeping with someone, answering a phone call will probably feel like a slap in the face to that person; I wouldn’t risk it. If you’re in a committed relationship, it might be easier to broach the subject of an impending phone call, and your level of familiarity might be such that your partner won’t mind.
When it comes to sexual etiquette and ethics, nothing is simple. Generally speaking, your phone does not belong in the bedroom (with the exception of phone sex, which is a conversation for another day), but there are occasions where breaking that rule isn’t so terrible, as long as you do it right. It’s my belief that almost anything that seems like bad sexual etiquette can be, in some situation or another, completely okay, so long as it is discussed openly, honestly, and with respect and consideration.
What do you guys think? Have any of you ever answered a call during sex? Would you ever be okay with a partner doing that?
